I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
