I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
