Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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