i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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