My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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