So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
