oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
