One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
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