Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
