DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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