I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
