I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
