I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
PS: I just woke up from my shower
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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