i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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