when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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