I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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