you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
