and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
