I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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