woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He better not be in your backpack
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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