Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
