On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
