I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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