he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
