He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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