maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
