Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
