Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
