i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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