I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
