I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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