no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
