i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
