you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
