Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
