the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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