mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
