I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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