If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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