2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm going to jail i love you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
