I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
