He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
