My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
