I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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