she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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