I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
