I need help removing her.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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