my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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