Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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