Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
