i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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