Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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