For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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